


Remember Us

by Helloitsmewrites



Series: Romanogers AU [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Natasha Romanov, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Sad and Happy, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:07:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27204283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Helloitsmewrites/pseuds/Helloitsmewrites
Summary: When a bomb goes off in a HYDRA facility where The Avengers were at the time for a mission, the team loses contact with Steve Rogers. Two weeks later, he was presumed KIA.Natasha always blamed her recklessness for the cost of Steve’s life. Too depressed, she starts hallucinating and was called on bench rest till she recovered. The team promised her she would get back on the field, but it didn’t happen.Two years later, The Avengers disbanded. Natasha now lives a normal life under the name of Natalie Rushman, in a small apartment with her cat Liho. Things were going well until she catches a glimpse of a familiar face on the street.Thinking her hallucinations came back, Natasha takes calming walks in the park. Soon, she meets the familiar face again and she realises it wasn’t just an illusion.Steve was alive, but without the memory of the team, of her. What’s worse? He’s got a new girlfriend. Natasha doesn’t know what’s worse : getting hit on the head continuously, or seeing Steve move on with someone who wasn’t her.But she doesn’t have the right to be jealous. They were just two best friends...or that’s at least what Natasha keeps telling herself.Romanogers AU
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Romanogers AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1986049
Comments: 22
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I finally had the courage to post a multi chaptered fic because I was scared I would leave it abandoned when I don’t have the inspiration to write but I got over it soo here am I.
> 
> \- I accept constructive feedback but no hate please!
> 
> \- Mistakes are all mine. If you have anything you want to ask about the story, you can do so in the comments.
> 
> \- All characters except one aren’t mine. They belong to Marvel.
> 
> \- I will update every week on weekends except this chapter. 
> 
> \- Enjoy the story!
> 
> ~ helloitsmewrites ;)

**Chapter 1**

**++**

Natasha snuck forward, alert of her surroundings. “Corridor empty, Cap.” She hisses into her comm. Stopping at a corner, the spy glances at the camera opposite of her, shooting at it with her widow bites. “Clear. You’re moving in?” She asks quietly. 

“Well, I am, but Capsicle’s too old to move his legs,” Tony says in the comms, followed by a snort from Clint. Natasha hissed, which shut them up. “Now is not the time for jokes,” She warned the team. However, she could still hear Clint trying not to snicker.

“Thanks, Tony,” Steve replied half a second later, voice thick with sarcasm. “Yeah, I’m in.”

Natasha ignored the now very obvious giggles from the team, instead looking around for anything suspicious. “Guys, something’s not right,” The spy said, voice steady but her breaths heavy. Everything is _not right. Suspicious._ They were in the supposedly active HYDRA facility for almost half an hour, yet, there was no movement at all.

The team immediately turned seriously, with Steve asking, “What do you mean? Are you hurt? What happened?” He rambled on, worry evident in his voice. Somehow, that made Natasha’s stomach do flips on his own. “No, I’m fine,” She answered. “It’s this place. We’ve been here for at least half an hour but there weren’t any people in here. This facility is basically abandoned!”

Everyone went dead silent until Tony spoke up, “If this facility _is_ abandoned, why would it be on our radar? We can’t have the wrong —” His sentence was cut off by Clint, who sounded like he was running and panicking at the same time. “There’s a bomb in the west corridor, we need to get out before it blows up in our faces!” The archer yelled.

Natasha cursed in Russian under her breath. HYDRA must have known they were coming. “Okay, change of plans. I’ll go in and deactivate the bomb. The rest of you, get to the quinjet.” She ordered. If HYDRA knew they were coming, they would have left in a hurry and Natasha can’t say she’s not greedy on getting some important files.

“There’s no time! It’s going out in two minutes!” Clint panted, seemingly still running. Natasha huffed, eyeing Steve who just turned the corner and was in front of her. He had his shield up in a protective manner. “Natasha—” He started warningly. She shook her, gave a little smirk, and dashed in the other direction. “I can make it in two minutes!” She called.

Someone cursed as Steve ran after her. “Natasha, stop! There’s no time!” He shouted but the spy just kept running. By the time Steve caught up, they were already in the room where the bomb was. “What do you think you’re doing?” Steve demanded while Natasha started working at the computers. “You’re putting yourself and everyone at risk!”   
  
Natasha ignored him, instead focusing on the screen of the computer. Steve crossed his arms. 

Suddenly, Clint cried out in the comms, alerting them. “There’s thirty seconds left, you have to get out!”

Widening his eyes, Steve grabbed Natasha by her arm, not letting go even when she hissed at him to. “Come on, Nat!” He yelled, pulling them out of the room. With time ticking, the corridor seems longer than ever. They were running in full speed, adrenaline rushing through their spines. _Shit,_ Natasha gulped. She had underestimated how dangerous this is. Then, they were at the end of the corridor, just meters away from the exit...

Relief washed through Natasha when they made it. But then, she heard the rumbling of the ground, heard her teammates shout in her ear and Steve was pushing her forward with a hard shove, just before the entire building erupted into flames. Natasha coughed, dust settling everywhere, the force of the explosion make her head spin. Turning around, she expected to see Steve but was only met with debris and smoke. “Steve,” She called, standing up on her wobbly legs. “Steve!” This time, she felt the panic when there was no response.

She kept looking around, hoping Steve would suddenly pop up from the debris, or tap on her shoulder from behind to tell her he's okay. Natasha was vaguely aware that the rest of the team were running over to her, calling her name. They must have known what happened because there was only silence, and the sound of Natasha's own heartbeat against her chest. 

_No...it can’t be._ Natasha’s legs finally gave out and she ended up kneeling on the ground. She felt wetness on her own cheeks, surprising herself for a while before the guilt took over. _The black widow never cries,_ but the woman crying was Natasha, not the black widow. If only she wasn't so reckless, Steve might be still there, safe, on the quinjet, going home. It's because of her, Steve didn't get to live his life. 

_“Natasha, stop! There's no time!”_

_“What do you think you're doing?”_

_“Come on, Nat!”_

Natasha shivered, Steve's words swirling in his head. Her fists clenched as her muscles protested, pain shooting through her like a cannonball. She stood up, waking towards the quinjet. She was angry at herself, angry at her cruel fate.

Gently, Clint guided her to the quinjet, Tony behind them. No one said a word and the silence is making Natasha feel worse. She could feel Tony's gaze on her, almost judgemental. She killed their friend, _her_ friend. At that, her stomach twisted, Natasha was threatened to throw up. 

“Nat, get some rest. You'll be fine,” Clint said, words uneasy and stuttered. _No, she's not fine. How can she be fine?_ Instead of opening her mouth to say something, Natasha looked away in shame, sitting down. 

Tony started the jet, not speaking at all. Natasha could see his jaw was tense, and so was the atmosphere. Clint looks tired, grieving in silence. 

_She was a killer._ That's all she could think of. _They hates me now. All of them. Everyone._

Steve is gone and it’s her fault.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha stares at the mirror in the bathroom, looking at her own hollowed face. She doesn’t recognise herself. 
> 
> Steve’s gone because of her.
> 
> *WARNING* This chapter contains character(s) suffering depression, extreme self blaming and self harming. If you are triggered by that, please please please ( I’m begging you) DO NOT read this chapter. I don’t want people getting traumatised by this. Thanks!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter for y’all :)
> 
> \- I accept constructive feedback but no hate please!
> 
> \- Mistakes are all mine. If you have anything you want to ask about the story, you can do so in the comments.
> 
> \- All characters belongs to Marvel.
> 
> \- I will update every week on weekends.
> 
> \- Enjoy the chapter!
> 
> ~ helloitsmewrites ;)

**Chapter 2**

  
**++**

_”I can’t believe you don’t like marshmallows,” Natasha leans into the couch with her eyes wide. Her mouth were stuffed, making it hard for her to talk. Steve rolls his eyes. “It’s not hard to understand, Nat! People have different tastes.” He defended, instead drinking his beer in big gulps. “Besides, it’s not like I’m the first person that hates marshmallows.” He continues while Natasha scoffs. “Steve,” She starts, grabbing more. “Marshmallows are heaven. You’re such an old man. Too old fashioned to try new things.”_

_Steve pretends not to hear her, but he was smiling, almost. “Can’t hear you with all those in your mouth, Nat.” He teases, getting a playful punch in response. It still hurts. “Hey! I was joking,” He rubs his arm and Natasha took the opportunity to stuff marshmallows into his mouth. Steve choked, immediately spitting them out. “Natasha! Why can’t you accept the fact that I just don’t like them?” Steve said, frowning._

_Natasha smirks, laughing. “Take that for not liking the most likeable food on the planet,” She answered as Steve snorts.  
_  
The memory plays itself over and over again in her mind, as Natasha smiles softly to herself. When they were free of missions, Steve would always come over for a nice movie and dinner. Her smile fades when she snaps back to reality. The low rumbling of the quinjet engines bringing her back from her head, now aware that Clint was dabbing a towel at her forehead. “Here,” he murmurs, handing her the towel and retreating away. It almost seemed like he didn’t want to talk to her. _Of course, he won’t want to, after what she had done._ It brings a pain to Natasha, remembering what happened. _  
_

Time pasted slowly and this has to be one of the longest flights Natasha has ever taken. Her limbs were numb, her legs aching from sitting on the floor for so long. Natasha felt...weird. There’s an unexplained stabbing pain in her heart that she’s unfamiliar with. _It’s grief,_ her brain tells her, _from what you’ve done._ She bites her lip, hard enough to draw blood. She hoped that the pain would take her away from the cruel reality, just for a while. Her blood tastes metallic in her mouth, and Natasha fights the urge to spit. Her stomach does flips, from the grief, the sorrow, the disappointment she felt, directed at herself. 

Natasha wasn’t a stranger to death, to losses. But this was different, so much _different._ She fought her best friends before, in the horrors of the Red Room, but Steve...he’s her best friend, her teammate, or maybe someone more. They were happy together, Natasha realises a little too late, and she’s never been that open to him then to anyone else. Not Clint, not Fury, not people back in Russia. Steve was the closest person she’s been with but she lost him in the end, didn’t she? She destroyed him, like pulling him onto a sinking ship she knew was going to sink. She pulled him right into the room where the bomb was, knowing that there’s only thirty seconds left. 

_She killed him,_ Natasha thinks. And then she was crying, on the floor of the quinjet, tears silently running down her face. _Crying means you are weak, weakness means failure,_ the instructors from the Red Room taught her. _But crying also means sadness, grief and emotions,_ Natasha’s brain registers. She hears footsteps approaching her but never dared to look up at who it was. This time, it was Tony. “It’s not your fault,” he says softly, like someone talking to a child. Natasha hated the pity people give her so she ignores him. Tony nods, understanding, then muttered something to Jarvis, before walking away.

When the quinjet finally lands, she bolts out, ignoring the looks on people’s face, and went straight back into her room. It was then she realised that her room reminds her so much of Steve it hurts. Defeatedly, she walks to the bathroom. Natasha stares at the mirror in the bathroom, looking at her own hollowed face. She doesn’t recognise herself at all. Her eyes were red from crying and the lost all its colour. Slowly, she peels off her catsuit and slips under the hot water from the shower. The water was so hot that it burnt her skin, but Natasha doesn’t care anymore. She wanted to it hurt. 

She washes off the dry blood on her, watching with a grim expression as it went down the drain. When she was finally clean, she stepped out, put on an oversized hoodie Steve gave her, and fell into bed. The softness of the sheets lured her into sleep, forgetting the trauma, the grief, the self blame bottled up in her. She can leave reality, for a while, just for a while before the nightmares hit her. It’s the only peace she have left. In her mind, she could almost hear Steve’s voice —

_“Natasha, stop blaming yourself, please,”_

_“_ I can’t, Steve, it’s my fault that you’re gone.” Natasha whispers to herself.

_“No it’s not. I’ll be here, always, okay?”_

Natasha nods, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Okay...okay. I’m sorry, Steve,” She says at last, the words she would never get to say to him. “So fucking sorry,” Her voice trembles.

It was while before she hears him again. _“It’s okay,”_ it replies, echoing in her mind before sleep took her in.

**++**

Natasha wakes up suddenly, her state of mind still foggy. The nightmare felt too real. The sunlight shines through her windows, blinding her. It’s morning, Natasha squints at the light. Someone knocked at the door the same time. “Nat? Are you awake? You’ve been in here for fourteen hours.” Clint’s voice rang out from the other side of the door. For a second, Natasha considered ignoring him, but she owed him too much to do that. “Yeah?” She asks, voice hoarse and dry. The door pushes open and Clint appears, holding a cup of water and a sandwich. “Eat this,” He puts the plate down on her nightstand. 

Shakily, Natasha takes the cup of water from the archer and gulps it down within three seconds. “Thanks,” She whispered, eyes dropping down. Clint sighs. “I’ve got news but, I don’t think you want to hear it.” He says and Natasha gives him a glare. “Okay, okay. We sent out a rescue team for Steve. He might still be alive but the chances are low. Tony called Bruce last night, he’s coming back in the next few days. Dunno when, he’s still in India...you know, it’s not your fault.” He starts. Natasha shakes her head. “Don’t,” She warns. “I don’t want to hear it.”

Clint looks at her, then nods, like Tony on the quinjet. “Okay. Call me if you need anything,” He stands up and leaves, shutting the door quietly behind him. Natasha lets out a breath she never knew she was holding. Talking to your best friend shouldn’t be so hard. _It’s going to be okay._ She believes it for now, even though she was uncertain of the future. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck at writing sad scenes or characters after someone dies. It’s not my cup of tea because I get so sad every time:( I hope this chapter is still okay and doesn’t suck as much as I think.
> 
> Feel free to comment or leave a kudos!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She sees him everywhere, and his unreal presence haunts her to her bone.
> 
> *WARNING* This chapter contains character suffering from severe depression, stress and facing hallucinations so if that triggers you, please DO NOT read this chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I accept constructive feedback but no hate please!
> 
> \- Mistakes are all mine. If you have anything you want to ask about the story, you can do so in the comments.
> 
> \- All characters except one aren’t mine. They belong to Marvel.
> 
> \- I will update every week on weekends.
> 
> \- Enjoy the story!
> 
> ~ helloitsmewrites ;)

**Chapter 3**

**++**

Natasha sighed as she unlocked the door to her room, swinging her jacket onto the floor without care. The team had just taken out another HYDRA base and she can say she deserves some rest. She haven’t managed to sleep for weeks, with nightmares plaguing her. Honestly, it keeps getting worse and Natasha had no idea what to do. Go see a therapist? The Black Widow doesn’t do therapy. So all she could do was wait for it to get better... _maybe._ The spy slips into the bathroom, tiredly turning on the tap to wash her face. The cold water splashing on her face helps her relax, just for a bit.

Natasha stops abruptly, staring at her reflection. _What have she become?_ She was getting thinner, her eyes hollow. She stares until she can’t anymore, turning away to the shower. Natasha used to like this — a shower after a long mission to cool off — but now it just feels like moments standing there thinking what she should do. _Eat lunch,_ her brain tells her. For this time, she listens, wiping herself dry. She just finishes zipping up her clean jacket when she hears footsteps in her room.

Was it Clint? No. Those footsteps were too delicate to be his. Wariness crept into Natasha as she takes her small cutting knife she keeps in the bathroom, stalking forward. She tries to hear more, but the entity seems to be silent. Too eerily silent. She blinks when she enters her room because there was _no one._ But she swear she heard — Natasha lets out a breath as she drops the small knife on the table. That’s when she realised how messy her room was.   
  
Maybe she should do some cleaning first...lunch can wait.

**++**

“Nat,” Clint’s sharp voice cuts her out from her thoughts. The archer was watching her with a stern look on his face. “You’ve got to see someone about this! You’re not eating, not socialising, not talking or leaving your room at all!” He hisses but Natasha laughs it off. “I don’t need to socialise, Clint. I have myself and that’s enough. My eating habits are normal, thank you every much and I’m doing great,” She lists out with a roll of her eyes. They were having lunch and somehow the conversation turned into concern for mental health. More specifically, _her_ mental health.

No matter how many times she told him she doesn’t need a therapist, Clint denies it. It’s weird to Natasha, talking about health. It used to be survival, and that’s what she learnt. But this, _this_ was something new, something she doesn’t understand. She learnt to run from her problems — and that’s what’s she’s doing. _Running away,_ from what she’s facing. 

_Three knocks landed on her door, waking her from her sleep. Natasha groggily sat up, calling, “Come in,” because she knew who it was. Steve walks in, face tired and red. From his nightmares, probably. Just like her, he faces it almost every night. “You mind if I stay here? I don't want to sleep in my bed, alone,” He said. Natasha nods, giving him a small smile as he slips into bed with her and curls his arm around her waist.  
_

_They were like that almost every night, when he gets his nightmares he stays at hers. When Natasha gets her, he comes over. This happened so frequently it became a habit for the both of them. Sleeping together when one is hurt...or both. Softly, Natasha runs her fingers across his hair, helping him sleep. Steve just smiles, pulling her closer and making sure she stays warm. They were happy like that. The way the both of them cares for the other, the smiles, the laughter, it was all so intimate, too intimate to be friends. Even for the best of friends._

“Natasha!” Clint snaps, now impatient. Natasha blinks, awake from her memory, sending a pang of pain into her heart. “Yeah?” She answered, voice small and unsteady. Clint sighs, reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder. “Nat, as your best friend, I say we get you a therapist, yeah? You were staring into space for half of this lunch. Something is wrong,” He says worriedly. Shaking her head, the spy brushes his hand away. “No, I don’t need one.” 

Clint frowned, objecting. “This is going to get worse if you don’t face it,” He tells her, hoping to change her mind. Natasha grubs her cup of coffee tighter, lips pressed together. “I am the Black Widow, I don’t need a therapist,” She replies. The archer opposite her smiles sadly. “I don’t believe that, Nat. You’re not the Black Widow — not now. You’re my best friend, Natasha. If you think you don’t need help, you’re wrong —” “The Black Widow —” Natasha cuts him off, taking a deep breath. “Don’t need a therapist.”

Clint looks like he wanted to say something, but the sentence was lost in his throat. Finally, he nods. “Okay, Nat. This is your choice but...I hope you change your mind,” He says quietly. Natasha steals a look at him, feeling guilty. Clint _was_ trying to help her. Eventually, they paid for the check and left separately since Clint said he needed to stop by the grocery store first. Natasha went home alone by foot. By the time the Avengers’ tower was in sight, she was slightly shivering, but not missing the figure step into an alley.

She knew that figure...he looked like _Steve._ Natasha dashes off after it, only to find herself in a dark alley with no one there. Her heart sank and for the first time in her life, she can’t hide her grief. She wanted to scream at the universe. _Why, why give her Steve and then take him away?_ It’s not fair, to like someone and then they were out of your lives in a flash. But then Steve was there again, barely visible against the walls and then disappearing into air like he was never there. _Great, now she’s seeing things._

With a heavy heart, Natasha slowly walks back to the tower. Sooner or later, she would have to admit to Clint that she, in fact, was having hallucinations and needed a therapist. And she don’t do confessions. The tower was quieter than usual, even with Tony Stark around. The spy seated herself in the shared kitchen of the Avengers, staring and staring at the sky until someone poked her on her shoulder. She jumped, almost punching the person but stepping back when she saw who it was. “What do you want?” She demanded.

Tony only nodded at her to sit. “This may not be the best time to tell you, but it’s important,” He said without his usual enthusiasm. “Remember that rescue team we sent out a few weeks ago? They returned.” “And?” Natasha’s heart beat quickened. Tony’s face had bad news written all over it. “Cap...he was declared KIA a few hours ago. While you and Barton went to lunch. The team couldn’t find him nor his...you know. He might have been —”

“Stop, please,” Natasha can’t take it anymore. _Sloppy, weak._ She felt a wave of nausea and her vision was blurred. Fatigue hit her suddenly, almost sending her kneeling onto the floor. She saw Tony help her steady herself. “Are you okay?” He asks with concern. “Do you need a medic?” The arm around her tightens and Tony opened his mouth to say something else but Natasha moves away, legs still wobbly. “It’s okay...I’ll go to my room,” She says weakly, moving herself.

By the time she closed the door in her room, there were tears in her face and her world was spinning. She’s vaguely aware that Clint had came back, probably learnt what happened from Tony and came to her room. “Nat? Come on, let’s get you in your bed,” He murmurs, supporting her. “Clint?” Natasha whispers as Clint helps her into her bed. “Yeah?” He responds. Natasha sends him a small smirk. “I think I need help,” She tells the archer and he rolls his eyes because he knew what she meant.

”Alright Nat, we’ll get you a therapist.” 

**++**

It was hours after Clint sent her to bed. Unfortunately, no matter how long Natasha stays there, she could never fall asleep. Not when Steve was declared KIA. She always finds a way to remind herself it’s because of her, Steve’s gone. “It’s a lot quieter without you here, Steve,” Natasha rolled around in her bed, talking to the ceiling. “I wish you were here. I’m sorry,” She turns, finding herself relaxing at the comfortable silence. 

And then, she hears it, in the comfortable silence, a barely there whisper, by her own mind, _it’s okay, Nat._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s note to readers : This fic doesn’t follow the timeline of the MCU, so there might be characters missing or characters that weren’t in the films.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things didn’t work out for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I accept constructive feedback but no hate please!
> 
> \- Mistakes are all mine. If you have anything you want to ask about the story, you can do so in the comments.
> 
> \- All characters belongs to Marvel.
> 
> \- I will update every week on weekends.
> 
> \- Enjoy the chapter!
> 
> ~ helloitsmewrites ;)

**Chapter 4**

**++**

Clint was standing near the door when Natasha opened it, with his arms crossed. When he saw her, he lifted his eyebrow in question. “So,” He started slowly, dragging out the ‘o’. “How was the therapy session?” The archer asks, smiling. Natasha smacks him on the shoulder, hard enough to make him stumble backwards a bit. “It was boring. Three hours, Clint! Can you believe it? I was in there talking to the same person for three hours!” She said as she frowned. It was only the first session and Natasha already hated it.

Clint didn’t say anything, just nodded. “You wanna grab lunch?” He says after a moment of awkward silence. Natasha agrees, because she was in a room for three hours, making her stomach grumble. Clint was suddenly quiet and the spy was afraid she said something wrong. They walked together silently, with Natasha pulling her hands together than let it fall to her sides again. “Clint...what’s wrong?” She suddenly stops, looking at the archer. Clint just shook his head. “The therapy session was supposed to help you feel better...mentally, not a boring three hour lecture.”

“It _did_ help me feel better, Clint. I’m calmer,” Natasha protested even though she knew she was wrong to complain. Clint was just trying to help her. Then, a small smirk appeared on the archer’s face. “Calmer? I don’t see it, Nat.” He teases. Natasha rolled her eyes at him. “Yeah, yeah.” She says sarcastically. Then it was silent again. They used to talk every time they were together, but now the connection was lost, in both of them. Natasha shifts her feet uncomfortably when they stopped at the elevator. 

“It used to be so much better, ya know? We were laughing, fighting...working. We used to be happy, we used to be a team.” Clint bursted out and Natasha flinched at the mention of the word _team._ He was right — they were a team before. But the connection was gone in a second and everyone had edged further away from being together. She knew what caused it, but she was afraid of the things she knew. _Afraid. Scared._ Once upon a time, Natasha wasn’t scared, not of death, of anything. But now she was, and it was eating her alive. “It’s my fault,” She finally choked out. 

The words she was so scared of, was now open. She knew what happened. _She was the one that broke the team._ “I killed Steve. I was too reckless on that mission. I knew there was a bomb! I could have ran out, I could have saved him!” Natasha cried. She was angry now, at herself. Clint touched her shoulder, but she shrank back. “It’s not your fault. It’s not, I promise. We don’t blame you.” He comforted. Natasha only stared at the ground, watching as Clint pulled her into a friendly hug. “It was...” She tried to say, but the sentence won’t come out of her mouth.

Clint shook his head, denying it over and over again. “It’s not your fault. I just wish things get better.”

**Three Years Later...**

Things didn’t get better, like Clint said. The team were constantly having arguments, different opinions and ideas, leading the Avengers to disband. Three years have passed since then, And eventually the team all had found something they wanted to do. One by one, they left the compound and started a new life, in a new place. They were no longer called the Avengers, and there was no such thing anymore. They were simply forgotten now.

A soft ball of fur woke Natasha up, as it found a comfortable spot on her stomach, curling up there. “Liho,” She mumbled, scratching the cat behind its ears. It was a habit of cats — waking up very early in the morning, and then acting lazy all day. Liho purred, when Natasha started rubbing his back. Natasha yawned, sitting up straight and looked at the clock on her nightstand. “It’s six, Liho.” She groaned. Once she was awake, no matter how hard she tried, she could never fall asleep again. It was a burden for her, of course, to wake up so early in the morning, but needed to stay up late at night, to finish what she was supposed to do.

Still sleepy, Natasha went into the bathroom, and got ready for her morning run. When she came out of the bathroom, Liho was still on the bed, looking lazy more than ever. Natasha shook her head, smiling, went into the living room, and fixed food for the fur-ball in her room. She left, putting her hands in her pockets as she walked down the stairs. After the Avengers disbanded, Natasha has lived a new life, with the name of Natalie Rushman. She knew the neighbourhood quite well, and the neighbours were quite friendly. They never knew who she was before, as the Avengers were no longer the topic trending.

Natasha has died her hair blonde, making her look different. That’s what she wanted, to be a different person. To live the life of Natalie Rushman instead of Natasha Romanoff. She had many names — she used to be called Natalia, and then Natasha. Now it was was Natalie. Natalie was somehow different. Natalie didn’t kill people or she wasn’t a spy. But Natasha knew, that she could never be Natalie because Natalie never existed. She was Natasha Romanoff, and she will always be.

“Good morning, Natalie!” An old woman called out once she arrived at the park. The name Natalie sent an uncomfortable chill down Natasha’s back. It reminded her of what she was trying to hide from — her real self. Natasha fake a smile, waved at the woman and continued her run. She saw children and parents trying to get to school through the park, all energetic and laughing. She saw elderly people , making their way through the park, walking, and just relaxing. Natasha smiled to herself, feeling relaxed. She came to a halt however, when she saw a familiar figure just metres away. 

it was a man, broad shoulders, tall and blonde. It was so familiar to Natasha came to a stop, just staring at it him. It reminded her so much of someone she knew before, someone she was familiar with. _Steve?_ Natasha blinked and blinked, hoping it was just her mind faking it. But when she opened her eyes, the figure was still there. It had to be her mind just fooling her. So Natasha continue to run and ignored her instinct to look back. She was more aware of people around her as she made her way back to her apartment just two blocks away. 

Thinking her hallucinations came back, Natasha mumbled something to herself and opened the door to her apartment. Liho greeted her at the door, purring and rubbing against her knees as she leaned down to pet him. She loved him, as much as she hated to admit, as the small black cat had helped her find peace. 

The rest for day was just as normal and soon Natasha forgot about the incident in the park. The next morning came, she woke with Liho on her chest again. She did what she did every morning, feed Liho and run laps in the park. The park was emptier than most mornings, with only a few people there, sure, the children and parents were still rushing to school but overall the environment was just quieter and made Natasha feel uncomfortable. Then, Natasha felt her whole world stop. The figure she saw in the park yesterday was here again. The redhead wanted to walk up to him, asking who he is but then, he would feel like she was a creep, and probably won’t ever go her way again.

Natasha wanted to figure out if it was Steve or not, she stared at him for so long until she felt someone push her. What, it couldn’t be Steve, because she saw him the last time on that mission, the very last second. The memory hits her so hard, she felt sick. After three years, she can’t get over what she have done, even though people have convinced her that it was not her fault. It felt like her fault though, because she was too reckless, too blinded by the need to get information from the base, she forgot all about the danger. She killed him.

”Ma’am, are you okay?” Voice snapped her out from her thoughts, and then he was there, right in front of her eyes. She couldn’t believe it, because it _was_ Steve, with a beard and hair a tad bit longer. “Steve?” Natasha asks. She needed to control herself from wrapping him into a tight hug. Steve frowned. “Ma’am? Do I know you?” He was so confused, he looked like a lost puppy. All the hope Natasha had, came crashing down. Her heart felt like it was shattered as she stared into the blue eyes of someone she had once known and lost. _Steve doesn’t remember her._ Do universe might be really against her, to have her lose someone, find him again and lose him again. She turned away.

“Sorry,” She mumbled, waking away. Too hurt to even look him in the eye. It hurts so much to her. “Wait!” Strong arms pulled at her hand, making her stop in her tracks. It was so like Steve, but it wasn’t him. “I never got your name,” He smiled, that boyish grin that she missed so much. “Natalie, Natalie Rushman,” Natasha forced her to say. “I’m Steve Rogers,” Steve responded, then asking, “You live around here?” “Y..yeah, I do,” Natasha said. Oh how she wanted the ground to swallow her up. “Ma’am? You look a bit pale. Are you okay?” Steve worriedly placed his hand on her forehead, checking her temperature. 

“I’m fine,” She pulled away, maybe a little too harshly. Steve looked hurt, hands falling to his sides. “Sorry...I was trying to help. I thought...you know, you were — sick,” He apologised, a blush quickly forming. Natasha found it amusing. _Still so awkward with women “_ I’m alright, Steve. Just remembered that I may or may not have turned off the stove when I left my apartment,” Natasha lied smoothly. She bid a goodbye but Steve, once again, called after her. “Will I...uh, ever see you again?” He asked bashfully. Natasha winked at him, leaving without an answer.

When she left, the hurt came back, every fibre in her body seemed alight. _How did she offend the universe, that she deserves such cruel fate?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I’m so sorry for the sudden time change. I originally wanted it to be in later chapters but I just don’t know how to write more chapters of angst. :( I hope you still enjoyed this chapter though. I personally think I write chapters two times shorter than what I expected (people also told me that but they were still supportive) so I will try to make future chapters longer :))) Btw, this chapter kinda sucks but I’m trying to improve, I promise. Anyone got any writing advice, plz share them in the comments!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve moved on without her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey readers, helloitsmewrites here! I am back from a long break because of personal reasons and I will be uploading frequently again! Sorry for the long wait, here’s a chapter for y’all. Also, something is in the progress ;)  
> Enjoy!

**Chapter 5**

**++**

Natasha stared at her wall, one hand petting Liho, the other holding her cup of coffee. Life was just getting better for her but trouble always finds her first. She had thought about calling Tony or Bruce, but they won't believe her, would they? Apparently Steve chose to appear now, not when he was declared KIA, not when she cried in her room every night for three months. Frustrated, Natasha huffed, drinking the last of her coffee, and setting it beside her. Liho mewed, nuzzling against her palm as the black tabby asked for her attention.

Natasha smiled at him. She was always fond of Liho. Liho was a stray in a shelter before she adopted him. His sleek black coat of fur had caught her attention amongst the other cats. People say black cats bring bad luck, but she found it rather calming to have one. Three knocks landed on the door, sending Liho jumping from her lap and standing guard. Natasha stood up quietly as she walked to the door. Years of being a spy had made her alert of knocks on her door when she wasn't expecting anyone — especially now she moved away.

To her surprise when she opened the door, it was Steve — covered in mud water, she assumed, but still Steve, in a jacket and smiling. “Hi,” He greeted rather bashfully, looking at her face for two seconds before looking away, a blush forming on his face. Natasha gaped at him before faking him a big sweet smile. “Hi! How do you know where I live?” She asked, mentally slapping herself after saying that. Steve sheepishly grinned. “I may or may not have seen you through your window and accidentally slipped on the step of your apartment complex because I wanted to pay you a visit.” He explained.

Natasha wanted to laugh at his expression. “Let's get you cleaned up. You stink.” She scrunched up her nose in disgust as she helped him take off his jacket. “So, stalker Steve. Any reason you wanted to pay me a visit?” She smirked. Steve blushed, widening his eyes. “No! It's not like that...I-I wasn't trying to — I have a girlfriend. It's not like that!” He rambled. Natasha's smirk fell and her heart cracked a little. “You,” she started. “You have a girlfriend?” She asks softly.

 _Steve moved on,_ her mind told her, making her sick. Steve, oblivious, nods his head. “Yeah. Her name is Kate. We met at the park.” He answered. Natasha grips his jacket a little harder but that all goes unnoticed as she washes it in running water.

“It's a nice apartment,” Steve commented to break the awkward silence. “Um, how long have you lived here?” Natasha smiled. “I lived here for three years and yeah, I like the style,” She said and went back washing the stains on Steve's jacket, even though it's already clean. There was that silence again until this time Liho broke it, mewing as he rubbed against Steve's leg. Natasha smirked. “Looks like he likes you. That's Liho, my cat.” “He's really pretty. Aren't you?” The man bent down to pet the cat, who was now enjoying the attention he was receiving. 

**++**

_Natasha turned around, the sound of footsteps becoming louder and louder. “Steve?” She asked as the figure came closer. He stopped a few meters before her, not moving or giving any reaction. By then, Natasha was already getting alerted by his stillness. “Steve. Steve, is that you?” She repeated. Still, the figure gave no response. Without thinking twice, she stepped forward to touch the figure but the moment she saw him, Natasha flung back in fear._

_His face was gray, lifeless, blank. His eyes were black and there was blood all over his face. “Steve,” She whispered. “It's you! You did this!” Steve cried out. “You killed me. You murderer!” He lunged forward and Natasha would've gotten punched if she didn't dodge it in time. Stop, stop! Steve!” Natasha cried. Steve didn’t listen, instead sending a hard punch to her stomach. Steve’s enraged expression was the last thing Natasha was before she blacked out._

Natasha leaped out of her bed, coughing as she tried to shake the nightmare away. Soon, the adrenaline faded, her breathing calmed and the cold sheen of sweat was starting to stick uncomfortably. In the dark, she could make out the golden gleaming eyes of Liho watching her. The cat mewed, jumping off the bed. _Another nightmare,_ Natasha bit her lip bitterly. She had been fine — she was! But that was before she caught Steve in the park and he told her he got a girlfriend. 

Her nightmares were getting worse every night and the spy found herself shaking when she picked up her phone from her nightstand and dealing a number. Natasha waited three seconds before Bruce picked up, voice hesitant. “I need help.” She blurted out. There was silence before Bruce responded. “Help? What kind of help?” He had said almost slowly. Slowly in the sense of sleepiness or reluctance, she didn’t know. “Steve’s alive. Somehow...I don’t know how, he’s alive.” Natasha answered quickly.

Bruce was silent. “Natasha, are you still going to therapy?” He asked, thinking of his choice of words. “I’m not hallucinating, Bruce! Steve is alive, I know he is! He came to my apartment today and...I met him in the park! I swear I’m not going crazy.” The spy snapped. When rude answered this time, his voice was louder, clearer. “We don’t have proof —” “We do! I _have_ proof!” Natasha insisted, growing annoyed by his reluctance. If only he believed.

“So you’re saying,” Bruce started slowly, “that Steve, managed to be alive after the team declaring he was KIA, met you at the park _and_ visited you in your apartment?” There was a hint of accusation in his voice that Natasha just can’t ignore. “Are you telling me I’m lying?” She bristled. “Steve is alive, Bruce! I wasn’t crazy. He just...he doesn’t remember anything.” At this point, Natasha just wanted to punch something. Even if her fists bled, she wouldn’t care.

Bruce _needed_ to believe her. “Alright Nat. We'll talk about this in the morning, okay?” The scientist said softly over the phone. Natasha nodded, tired. “Okay. I’m sorry for calling you in the middle of the night,” She mumbled. Bruce chuckled. “It’s alright. Goodnight.” With that, the call ended. Natasha sat in the darkness of the room, thinking of what might happen. _In the morning,_ she told herself. _They’ll talk in the morning._

Somehow, Natasha managed to sleep through the night without anymore nightmares, lulled into sleep by the happiness and memories she once had. 

**++**

Natasha woke up again, with Liho on her chest. She pushed him away gently, sliding out of bed as she fumbled with the clock. It was almost noon. _Huh, weird,_ she frowned. Natasha was never the deep sleeper and even with the lack of sleep, she could wake up at five in the morning if you told her to. But she never slept so late. Maybe it had something to do with the phone call with Bruce. It _had_ tired her out. As Natasha was pouring herself a cup of coffee, her phone rang. 

It was Bruce. _We’ll call in the morning._

Somehow, she forgot all about the phone call they will have in the morning.

Weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not proud of this chapter — I can do better, I promise :/


	6. Not Update ( Sorry guys...)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s exam season.

Hey guys! As you all know, I haven’t been updating this story like I said I was going to _at all_. It’s supposed to be exam season three weeks ago, so I had planned to update after that but then because of corona, it was pushed back to this week, and I have to revise for it as this is **super** important to me. Anyway, it ends next week so hopefully by then I’ll actually update this fic. Also, I’m kicking myself for the latest late update ever. I’m so sorry but I promise this time I’ll be back soon!

I will still be active on ao3 so I’m going all dead :)

Again, I’m really sorry!

~ helloitsmewrites

A very very very late happy new year guys !! 


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who’s lazy ass is back lol. Thanks for all of you who’s patiently waiting!
> 
> ~ helloitsmewrites13 ;)

**Chapter 6**

**++**

Talking to someone about something that was supposed to be impossible was the hardest thing Natasha had done so far in life — yup, even harder than being a master spy. At least people believe you when you say you’re a spy. “So, you’re saying that Steve wasn’t dead and he lost his memories?” Bruce asked, still skeptical. Natasha groaned. “Yes, that’s what I have been telling you for the past fifteen minutes!” She snapped impatiently, eyes darting to the cup of coffee she had on the kitchen counter.

The redhead stood up and took a sip while Bruce processed what she had said to him in his head. “Natasha, Steve was in the building when the explosion occurred, it’s impossible for him to...survive,” His voice softened at the end. “He is alive!” Natasha shrieked, so loud that Liho jumped up from the place he was resting, mewing at her disapprovingly. “Bruce, I saw him, I talked to him—” She continued to argue, desperate for an answer. “He was here, I swear—”

“—if he survived, the rescue team would have seen him.” Bruce said calmly but the grief in his voice was evident. Natasha opened her mouth to retort but nothing came out. Bruce was right — they would have seen him. A lump formed in her throat. “Then...who was the one I was talking to? He even came to my apartment,” She whispered. Don’t cry, don’t cry, Natasha swallowed as she took a sip of her coffee. Bruce sensed her change of emotion, saying, “Send me a photo of him, maybe? Can you do that, Nat?”

Natasha nodded. “Yeah, yeah. I can. He lives just—” She paused suddenly. She didn’t know where he lived! Shit, Natasha bit her lip. “I’ll catch him in the park...maybe,” She said and rubbed her eyes. “Alright, I’ll call you later when you send me the photo.” Bruce bid her goodbye, hanging up after some words of comfort. Since when did she need comfort, Natasha huffed tiredly, looking down at her coffee that had gone cold. 

Catch him in the park.

++

As she had expected, it started to rain the moment she opened her apartment door. Groaning in annoyance, Natasha grabbed her umbrella as Liho rubbed against her leg lovingly. “No, you’re not going out,” She said softly, carrying the cat back inside. Liho mewed again but Natasha has already shut the door. “The park,” She hissed under her breath with the rain batting around her. “Catch him in the park.” 

It took her moment before spotting Steve amongst the trees, watching some birds shake off rainwater from their feathers. Putting up a facade, Natasha jogged forward, catching his attention with a call of his name. “Hey Natalie,” Steve greeted with a smile. “Hey you,” She replied breathlessly. “So, your hobby — watching birds in the park when it’s raining?” “No! I’m a part time artist, actually,” Steve laughed, looking down with embarrassment and out of habit.

When he had turned to look at the sky while rambling about something related to art, Natasha quickly took a photo of him — now, _this_ was the most unprofessional thing she had done. The photo was slightly blurred, but it should do. “Sorry, you were saying?” Natasha asked, faintly getting red. Steve looked amused. “I was saying, would you like to go out sometime?” “What?” Natasha gaped, blinking in surprise and shock. “You have a girlfriend—”

Steve blushed again. “No! I mean like...friends. We are friends, right? I mean we’ve been talking and I’ve been to your apartment...” He trails off after seeing the look on Natasha’s face. She could only cover up the mixed emotions inside her with a fake smile. “Sure...when?” She asked, avoiding his eyes because gosh, he could make her say yes to him just by looking at her. Natasha mentally punched herself for that. This was just wrong in many ways.

Steve thought for a moment, but shrugged. “I’m free the entire week so it’s up to you,” he beamed and Natasha kuldip resist but laugh at little. “I’ll text you, alright?” She promised and Steve grinned. “Sure!”

**++**

After the little meeting in the park with Steve, Natasha was feeling unusually giddy, skipping in her apartment. Sometimes, things like this take her mind off the dark memories she had, the ones that will haunt her no matter how far she ran, how old she was. “You did _what?!_ ” Bruce snapped on the other side of the line and Natasha flinched a little at the volume. “Bruce, it’s just lunch,” She said, annoyed. “Natasha, this is messed up!” Bruce continued. “We still don’t know—”

“We do,” Natasha answered hardly. “I recognised him.” She said. “It’s just one lunch, nothing more, nothing less.” “Natasha—” Bruce started but Natasha interrupted him mid sentence. “Please,” She added quietly. “Alright, be careful though, it’s dangerous,” The scientist gave up, his voice softer now. Was he pitying her? What had she done that deserved his pity? Natasha opened her mouth to ask but nothing came out of it, only a choked sob.

She couldn’t hold back her tears as they start rolling onto her cheeks, falling to the table. When did she grow weak? She thought of when the Avengers were still there, when Steve was there, when she was _happy._ She missed that, _missed him, so, so, much._ But wasn’t she the one that ruined everything? She was the one that took her own happiness away. _She was the one caused everything that happened._ “Natasha?” Bruce said sharply. “I’ll call you later, okay?” Natasha said, hanging up without goodbye.

Her phone lit up with a text from Steve, which did _nothing_ to help her from crying more, sobbing into her hands. Natasha was happy once, _Natalia was.  
_

_She was happy, but now she’s broken._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a week but it’s finally out :) Thanks to all those who was patient with this!

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to comment or leave a kudos!


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